parenting spare the rod-spoil the child

[Abuja]

what is everyone's thought on punishment for there children do you believe what the bible says about sparing the rod and spoiling the child.  I for one do not believe in sparing the rod and this is why.  When I was 10 yrs old my grandfather was cutting down trees on the property where we lived.  he told me and my brother to go to the house but we did not listen and went further into the woods and continued to play.  when we heard the chainsaws stop cutting we then headed to the house.  well low and behold there stood my grandfather who made it back to the house sooner then we did.  my grandfather then spanked/wooped me and my brother.  from that day forward my grandfather never had to tell me more than once to do something and i knew he ment what he said.  I also use this same line of disepline for my son but of course because of his age a much smaller/easier spanking.  And since I have started this I have not had to tell him but once maybe twice that he cant do certian things and I have little to no trouble with him minding.  please share your thoughts and methods.  thanks to all.  and God bless.

Sincerly Larry/Abuja

[soul2squeeze]

Peace

My take on it is you get what you put in. Children soak up EVERYTHING we do. We leave a huge impression on them even at a very very young age. This can be seen when kids dress up in their parent's clothes or play mommy with their dolls or pretend to make business phone calls. We see it all the time and it's their way of reminding us: "I want to be just like you when I grow up." When we use physical force of any kind, light or hard, to get our message across to them to do something or not to do something, we send the message that the only way to really send a message to someone is to use force. That child can then grow up with a less than adequate level of communication skills and not be able to control their negative emotions properly.

But please do take my post with a grain of salt: this is coming from a person who has no kids of her own yet

Peace

[Abuja]

to soul2squeeze
I agree with everything you have said.  I guess I should have also put in my message that a great way to deal with children is to also use a more sensitive approach such as sitting the child down and explain to them what they did wrong, why it is wrong and what those actions can lead to.  and also look at it as Jesus would.  with a kind and understanding heart and always show how much you love your children to them by your actions.  But then again on the other hand some actions of children do require punishment other then words.  In other words I would say the best method for your children would be the one they respond to the best, of course this needs to be keep reasonable.  And above all always show the love that Jesus has tought and show us many times over because without this non of us would survive.

sincerly, Larry/Abuja

[soul2squeeze]

Peace Bro

Very interesting take on it indeed. Jesus was indeed a very peaceful man that demonstrated patience and mercy on others. I agree with you


Peace All

[AspeRin]

ASLM!
from personal experience.hitting your child when he didnt do anything he tought it was wrong,a mistake, is gonna make him hate you.
telling him you gonna hit him and u dont,its gonna make him do whatever he wants thinking you just arent too serious.
telling him the truth about everything,and i mean about everything will make him a unique individual...a saw a kid on tv,his parents talk to him like an adult,the kid had a good character..i always wanted my parents to tell me the truth,they were embarrased sometimes,maybe? i was mad when i found out the tooth fairy was my parents!!!lol!!! really....i was sad also,lies are never good.
i myself,from my eyes,i seen from my friends also,parents hit them because they dont wanna sit down and explain to them why is that bad...its quicker right? 
spoiling bad,hitting bad,find the middle passage.love, and like abuja said they require punishment,but it doesnt have to be a belt or shoe...
allah knows best!

[Elke]

Peace all,

asperin i agree with your post.

I try to answer my kids questions truthfully, whatever they are about - and used to get a lot of opposition from my ex husband when we still lived together...

Also try to not give only my point of vue - especially on philosophical religious matters - i want to open my kids minds so they'll chose their way and not make them into copies of myself.

About hitting, i also share your views. I havn't spanked them for a long time, they're too big now (13 and 9). But when smaller i used to talk to them, if they wouldn't listen i'd tell them that if they would not stop i would spank them (once, no beating up!). Had to do it a few times and not anymore...quite effective

lk

[Abuja]

All these are great and I appreciate the input.  Of course beating a child is always wrong.  No matter how it is done.  And of course there is a difference between spanking and beating.  And as far as I see it we should always tell our children the truth or as said above they will get confused and even be made or worse at you.  I feel that the biggest thing that should be done with a child at an early age (when they start learning things and can understand when you talk to them) parents must install the truth and the difference between right and wrong to there children early.  Other wise it would be nothing less then the parents fault when they do wrong.  And then how would you react and what would you do if you had to correct your child for doing the same thing you did.  Food for thought.

Sincerely, Larry/Abuja

[Latifah]

Peace,

I'm against physical punishment. Simply because I used to get physically abused myself by my parents. They corrected me by spanking me, sometimes even with the belt. I got immune to that physical abuse and turned into a disrespectful brat. That's the risk of physical abuse. Your kids will turn against you. Love and understanding is the key. I wish my parents talked to me more then hitting me. Communication is the key.



Heart

[Fahad]

Salam.

I support spanking or beating for brats , but only as the last resort. The people most well-mannered and respectful-towards-their-parents that I have met are those whose parents were strict with them in their childhood. The brats might hate their parents for some time, as I used to when my parents used to become even a little strict with me, but later on they will realize, as I did, that it was better for them. My parents were not strict with me so I was the biggest brat among all relatives(Although now my younger brother has taken up that position, and he is much bigger than I was. He is a role model for all brats). But now I think that my parents should have been strict with me, and even used the belt if required. That would have been better for me and better for my siblings and cousins who incurred my wrath.

[Lobster]

peace
I am completely against hitting children. Parents have a huge influence on children, and when they see their parents use sticks to beat them, that's what they'll do to other kids. You're making your kids violent.
Children need to realize that their actions have consequences (good for good, bad for bad) but it needs to be in a constructive way. I don't mind parents being "strict" but hitting or beating your children is not good.

[stillearning]

Salaam all

Agree completely with those who are against hitting children.
Perhaps this child beating might expalin why the humans resort to such an evil ploy known as WAR. It is the same philosophy if you dont do as i say then i will beat the living daylights out of you, it has been ingrained in us since the time memorial i.e it is Ok to beat some one weaker than you. If as children we were taught that violence was not acceptable under any circumstances then we perhaps would not have so many psychos causing mayhem in this world.

regards

[SarahY]

hitting children wont achieve much, you'll scare them and scar them for life. even now that you are all grown up you remember your grandfather hitting you.. besides later on children will become accustomed to hitting and will feel numb about it, well almost...

besides you're kinda teaching your kids violence... if you can explain to them what they are doing is wrong ( in a simple way depending on their age) it's better, most of the time children do things to gain attention. bad things gain more attention then good. Just look at the reaction you give on something bad compared to something good. how often do we praise children when they do good things??

also by explaining things it gives them a tool so when they are at school and when they get older they are able to defend themself rather than resolving things with violence. simple explanations like "it hurts my feelings when you draw on the wall", "why did you do it?" "its dangerous to do so and so"

Why not even give them the responsibility of the "consequences" for example if they drew on the wall tell them "because you drew on the wall you have to clean it up" get them a sponge put some soap or cleaning stuff on it and let them scrub it off. (they might not do the best job but let them taste the consequence and you could clean it up properly later). they wont like doing it but they did it so their fault, they'll have to clean it. maybe in terms of dangerous stuff you'd do it but say have them by your side so they know its not "nice" and its dangerous, talk them through it while you fix up the situation.

anyway consequences are good (if they are age appropriate) it gives them responsibility and also awareness of other peoples feelings. Praise is important also, telling them about their good things/habits/achievements will make them feel proud of themself and will gain their self esteem and at the same time it would reinforce them to do that good thing. Because that's what you want at the end of the day the children doing the good things.

if a child gets a reaction of a "hit" from a parent after doing something, if the child wants to do it again they will though this time they will learn "i wont do it in front of mum or dad I'll get hit, I'll do it without them knowing" but if you explain it might sink into their head that its not good. if you give praise "oh wow you such a good boy/girl for doing bla bla bla" their going to smile and feel good and most likely do it again

and sometimes children are forgetful so you have to remind them

hope that helps

salam

[salaam4usa]

To this day I remember getting many a tail-whacking from my father. Never made me into a bad parent. However, with me being a father now to a very active son, my approach is different. I don't need to be a type of Clint Eastwood to discipline my son - yet he respects me and obeys what I say all the time. I guess its the wording and approach that determines the outcome.

[aly-sam]

Its true that parents who hit their children usually dont have the patience to explain to them. I have seen a child raised in an atmosphere where there is constant shouting and nagging and some mild hitting. And a child in an atmosphere where everything is patiently explained and systematic consistent forms of punishment. It is really difficult to follow the latter but you can see the difference in child rearing methods (with most other factors being similar). There appears to be more rebellion in the child of the first household..so more shouting and hitting will eventually follow. At some point none of this will have much effect. The thing about hitting even mildly is that the child feels humiliated more than physically hurt. Actually thats true for adults too.

[SarahY]

I'd say my dad was pretty strict still is, but i def wouldn't follow in his footsteps in certain things anyway.

i don't think smacking/hitting kids is about laziness or patience but i think they believe it is a form of discipline and in ways it kinda works, making children work on fear. thing is, that doesnt always work. children can grow numb to it and besides that they can rebel against it and fight back.. not nice.

humiliation is an issue too

[procrastinator]

Peace

My take on it is you get what you put in. Children soak up EVERYTHING we do.

i agree

We leave a huge impression on them even at a very very young age. This can be seen when kids dress up in their parent's clothes or play mommy with their dolls or pretend to make business phone calls. We see it all the time and it's their way of reminding us: "I want to be just like you when I grow up." When we use physical force of any kind, light or hard, to get our message across to them to do something or not to do something, we send the message that the only way to really send a message to someone is to use force.

the only fight ive gotten into was when i was 6 years old, it wasnt my fault (really it wasnt ) but when i got home my dad gave me a good whoopin', and told me and said the next time that happens id be out of the house. He then explained to me why i was being punished. ive had about 3 other conflicts after to this date, and ive sorted them all out without violence because what my dad told me that day stuck with me (and its not because i cant defend myself, i am a bjj practioner). i would never hit him my dad back even to this date, even if he beat me within an inch of my life i would hit him back.

That child can then grow up with a less than adequate level of communication skills and not be able to control their negative emotions properly.

theres a difference between child abuse and disciplining your child. i know what your talking about though, but it this only happens when the parent goes overboard, and its no good if the child doesnt know/understand what he is being punished for.

i would definately take the approach my parents did,

little things= naughty corner
big things= a good ass kicking

[Rev.John]

i agree

the only fight ive gotten into was when i was 6 years old, it wasnt my fault (really it wasnt ) but when i got home my dad gave me a good whoopin', and told me and said the next time that happens id be out of the house. He then explained to me why i was being punished. ive had about 3 other conflicts after to this date, and ive sorted them all out without violence because what my dad told me that day stuck with me (and its not because i cant defend myself, i am a bjj practioner). i would never hit him my dad back even to this date, even if he beat me within an inch of my life i would hit him back.

theres a difference between child abuse and disciplining your child. i know what your talking about though, but it this only happens when the parent goes overboard, and its no good if the child doesnt know/understand what he is being punished for.

i would definately take the approach my parents did,

little things= naughty corner
big things= a good ass kicking

I find it amazing that you have to have training and qualifications for almost any job these days, but for the most difficult and important job in the world, that of being a parent, there is no training or help whatsoever.