Author Topic: new advice about getting to know a woman  (Read 212 times)

NewFreeMind

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new advice about getting to know a woman
« on: November 19, 2019, 02:28:17 PM »
Assalamualeikum

I didn't know where to ask this question and after reading some of the topics on this section, I felt like this might be the most appropriate place.

I need some advice on a situation I'm currently dealing with (I hope both men and especially women on this site can provide their perspective)

I met a woman through my family, we went to see them, they came to see us and eventually we exchanged numbers so that I and the girl can get to know each other better

We are all muslims, both from good families and felt like there's nothing to be alarmed, obviously too early too jump to any conclusions.

The girl is well educated, career focused but also family oriented, when we speak, she's always been very nice and responded to all of my questions

However, I kept getting the feeling she's not interested and she's holding herself back

The reason why I think this is because:
- On our first meet I asked plenty of questions and whilst she replied to all, her questions were simply redirecting my questions to me
- On the second meet the situation was the same, with the exception that she did ask me one question of her own
- Over the phone the situation was the same, I would ask question, she will politely answer all of them and bounce the same question back to me but no questions from her side
- I didn't contact her for 3 days and she never tried to contact me either

- Right after our first meet, I told my family that she might not be interested but then their family wanted a second meet

My family told me that she might be a shy person, however she never gave the impression of being shy, a shy person will struggle to answer, will limit herself to short answers, all patterns I didn't notice in her

- I have also, implicitly, explained her that I feel like she's not interested and she told me that she and her family is interested, they will never waste anyone's time if they weren't, she also added that I might perceive this because she's an introvert person

Now I'm genuinely struggling to understand this person. Communication is key and effort must be from both side; there are situations where people are shy so don't know what to do but this doesn't even look like one of those case.

Do you think it's normal for some girls to behave like this? They simply answers to questions like it's an interview, bounce back the same question but no effort in initiating any kind of conversation

I'm asking this because my concern is that the girl might be under pressure and with all the sad things going on with arrange marriages where you find family hiding things, now that they found someone genuine, the family might be asking her to give it a go but she might not have the same feeling

I just don't know what to do, I like the girl but I want to make sure the feelings are reciprocal, intents speak louder than words and I'm making the effort to know her but don't get the same impression but I feel like I might be wrong as some girls are like that, although I never came across one like this


Jane

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Re: new advice about getting to know a woman
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2019, 08:19:01 AM »
Hmmm sounds like playing hard to get Muslim-style lol.

Maybe try a bit harder. Show her what you're about. Take her out somewhere without her family and romance her a bit. Courtship is a process, a dance...not a question and answer session. How can she say whether she likes you or not when you haven't shown her who you are.

Women want to be wooed, to be won over - you have to convince her that you're The One if you want her.
PEACE

NewFreeMind

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Re: new advice about getting to know a woman
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2019, 12:36:21 PM »
That's the problem, I don't know whether that's just playing hard to get or is actually someone being under pressure
Meeting is out of questions, I asked her and she only agreed to meet for coffee after I insisted that it's important for us to get to know each other alone but she still asked her parent's permission to do that

It's a very tricky situation as I'm struggling to understand her intentions, if I know that it's normal for girls to behave like this:
-reply to all questions but never ask questions of her own
-never initiate a conversation
-if i don't contact, never be contacted
then I can make the effort to get to know here
if this is an indicator that she might be under pressure somehow then I can leave it and move on

Amra94

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Re: new advice about getting to know a woman
« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2019, 01:19:03 PM »
Maybe she feels like it's the guys job to always initiate contact so that's why she doesnt contact you first.. but idk she should be asking you some questions too if she's interested. I do think you guys should go on a date alone though maybe then you'll find out if she likes you or is pressured.

jkhan

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Re: new advice about getting to know a woman
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2019, 09:31:52 PM »
Peace...

I don’t know which part of the world you belong to …. But when a girl is proposed especially by muslim conventional parents, she tends to behave in exact way you claimed…. One thing for sure she is not talkative with sort of strangers initially… clearly her family seems more orthodox so she preserves and going in line with it probably willingly… I meant strangers coz for such families till the marriage take place they won’t take the relation seriously. 
She may not leak anything bad about her by interrogating you…lol… she seems she won’t depict herself fully before your acceptance… once you accept she may be more of her own…
My advice is accept her unofficially if you like her personally and get to know… so you will be able to go deep about herself…until the marriage take place you both are not committed for each other… so any time you can dissolve the proposal if found not matching…
After all, God willing things happen… Take it simple dude.. :laugh:

NewFreeMind

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Re: new advice about getting to know a woman
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2019, 07:11:53 AM »
Thank you guys
your inputs are really helpful
I'm pakistani and yes some of the methods (not willing to meet alone for a coffee etc are seen as orthodox ) but it's really puzzling considering the family is educated, so is the girl, she lives in the uk and works here. So I would expect both the family but most importantly the girl to understand that it is her right to interrogate me as it is mine to her...it's for a serious reason, we're not talking about dating

As I've explained in my earlier posts, the girl is talkative in a sense that she replies to all my questions (she could leak something bad about her by answering my questions ) and bounces the same questions back to me. However, the whole situation seems more like her being reactive than proactive

It is difficult for me to perceive a girl that is educated, works, comes from an educated family, seems to have interesting views about different topics, being incapable to understand that there must be effort from her side as well to get to know me if she's interested

When she displays herself in the manner above and does these few things (not initiating a conversation, feeling uncomfortable about meeting for a coffee), it creates a lot of confusion in my head as I can't seem to understand how these two different behaviours/views are linked to each other

The only thing that comes to my mind is that she could be doing this because she feels some kind of pressure(you know how it is in our culture) and by behaving in such manner, she hopes I'll say no and she'll get what she wants

I do like her but would never go for a relationship knowing there was some kind of pressure but when I asked her, she tells me she's interested and this is just how she is and that I might be feeling she's not interested because she's an introvert

I honestly don't understand  :( :( :(

good logic

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Re: new advice about getting to know a woman
« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2019, 07:26:42 AM »
Peace NewFreeMind .
Take a little more time in this case to get to know each other better.. Few months may be, before you get married?

This may solve some of the problem you mention. Meeting someone new can be difficult analysing things about them.
May the Lord help you decide. You are going about it the right way ,trying to make sure the relationship works in the future.
Best of luck to both of you.
GOD bless you.
Peace.
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