very worried

[AK85]

ok here I go...sorry if the poor grammar makes it difficult, or if things sound incoherent, I am writing all of the following off the top of my head and out of feelings of desperation

DISCLAIMER: I know that my problems are not as bad as starving poor orphaned children in third world countries, and I do not wish to insult/anger those who's life experience was much worse than mine by relating to them experiences of mine which are nothing compared to what they've been through

after a very dumb incident last night that was an eye opener for me I have decided to quit drinking again (I quit from 2005 to 2010 but started again with the intent not to overdo it...which apparently never worked out)

my problem is that I am an aggressive drunk, and I am afraid of legal consequences as well as negative effects on my own health and safety and that's why I have quit drinking

growing up I was a maladjusted person, didn't have lots of friends or a huge social circle, always had a knack for hanging out with the wrong crowd...as a result I have grown up to be very mistrustful and bitter about many things...maybe I'm a little too sensitive as well...alcohol abuse as a teenager also earned me a young offender record, most of my arrests were alcohol fueled crimes, mostly fighting and petty theft...nothing like murder or rape or drug trafficking

sometimes I think that the reason I fell in with the wrong crowd, is because the right crowd did not want to burden themselves in being associated with someone with mental health issues like mine...I guess some would describe that as selfish, but I do see where they are coming from...I know some types who are worse than me and I don't want to associate with them either so this makes me feel guilty but also helps me understand

I always wish I had an older sibling/role model to look up to, to teach me things and help me out in life...I've felt like a lost soul for quite a bit of my life

I have hereditary clinical depression. I stopped taking my medication for a while and I THOUGHT everything was ok but apparently that was because the sunlight was replacing my medicine...then I had a quarter life crisis

I have contemplated suicide but the thought of my mother crying is something that makes me feel very terrible

also if I was to commit suicide I would only do it after I made sure all my debts were paid off, and I had enough money to leave behind for a burial/funeral etc...basically not expire myself in a way that would burden society...and also in a way in which I would ruin/disrupt people's lives (i.e. jumping into busy traffic) and or place a financial burden on the state to remove my body, clean the area, identify my next of kin and other associated costs

I know that Allah says not to commit suicide, and Allah does not place any burden on a soul more than it can bear, but I also know that Allah is most merciful and that perhaps he may forgive me for my suicide

Like I said before I am a mistrustful person and at times I feel inconsolable, even by mental health professionals

Sometimes I feel like Allah is my best friend, my only friend, the only entity that I can rely on for true justice

and my parents as well. They are not perfect but they do help and they have learned from their past mistakes. Our relationship though historically turbulent is getting better. However some things and problems I simply can't talk to them about, either because of their own lack of expertise or perhaps generational/cultural differences. (I have lived in a western country since the age of 8 while my parents grew up in India)

One thing that really draws me towards islam is the idea that there is a place in the afterlife which is much better than I can imagine, and that there is also a place which is much worse than I can imagine...sometimes I feel like "You mean to tell me it gets WORSE?!?!?" and that fear is what draws me to the idea of pleasing Allah

one hadith that I really loved was "Hellfire is forbidden to touch a person who is polite, friendly and approachable." This made me feel really confident about trying to be a polite, friendly and approachable.

However I am not a hadithist anymore but only recognize the Quran. Does the Quran also echo similar sentiments as the above hadith?

I am really afraid of the idea of hell and I don't want to go to a place where my experience and feelings would be even more miserable than it is now

and now Ramadan is coming up (or at least the month of Ramadan according to mainstream muslims) and I want to partake in my obligations but I don't know how to

I know that my post may sound like I'm asking a lot of different questions and am perhaps rambling about and including irrelevant things to what I appear to be asking for feedback, but I feel therapeutic benefits from opening up like this

I'm not one of those people who doesn't like to open up, I only don't open up because I think most people will be overwhelmed with everything I have to say, or won't know what to say and how to respond

but with this being a forum with people with similar beliefs which to me are the most important of our similarities, I thought I would share this with you (important similarities meaning that quran alone is the most important common denominator, regardless of whether you are a cat or dog person or like foods that I don't like, or like music I don't care for etc.)

I had a cat that I really loved, at times I felt like he was the only one on my side when my family was against me, and I was very devastated when he died. I also like to think that his polite manners and temperament were a result of the very gentle, tolerant and loving way in which I treated him.

Do animals have souls? If not, can they still testify on judgement day on my behalf? I am welling with tears as I write this last part

[es]

Peace "AK85",

It is nice to know that you feel comfortable enough to discuss such things here. I know how you feel. I feel blessed that we have this place.

In regards to your questions about religion, I cannot answer those, but I do feel that there are certain practical steps which you could potentially take in terms of trying to control your depression and to prevent certain adverse situations in your life.

You mentioned alcohol. From what you write, it seems that you find this a problem. I don't know how difficult you might find it to quit at this stage, but I would certainly try to. You have already done it previously (well done for being teetotal for a relatively large space of time), and I am sure you can do it again. I don't know where you live, but I am sure there are support services which you can access in your local area in order to help you with this.

You have mentioned not taking your medication. I know with mental health problems, how things can creep up on you all of a sudden. You don't take your medication, you feel fine, but then all of a sudden, you can have a prolonged frenzied episode. You know it is important to take your medication-I won't lecture you on that, but do try to keep on top of it.

Lastly, I would suggest counselling/ therapy. I don't know if that is something which your clinician has recommended as a part of your treatment for your illness. I would imagine so? I don't know. Anyhow, this is something which could help immensely if you get the right sort of therapist doing the right sort of therapy.

When you have an illness, it is important to know how to manage it. I have a medical illness which I've had for years and I still find it difficult to put practical measures in place to control it, but you must try, because otherwise it just begins to contain you and restrict you. Learn what your trigger points are. Accept that you will have periods which are not hugely positive and are dominated by depression, but try not to let yourself get to that stage where you are feeling suicidal. Learn to be able to identify when you are about to go through a bad phase and try to do something about it, whether that's seeing your Doctor, spending time with family or friends, praying or writing for cathartic purposes. Whatever helps, do it.

Alhamdulillah, it is good that your strong faith in God helps you. Always have hope that things will get better. I believe God is most merciful and if we believe in Him, we must also believe that He will make things better for us in this life.  Be positive and keep the faith.

Salaam.

Sajda.

[AK85]

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, I am back on my medication and have accepted that I need it to function properly.

To be honest I prefer to receive advice and help from people who share my Qu'ran only faith. However I cannot discount useful advice my doctor has given me, like exercise etc.

"learn what your trigger points are. Accept that you will have periods which are not hugely positive and are dominated by depression, but try not to let yourself get to that stage where you are feeling suicidal. Learn to be able to identify when you are about to go through a bad phase and try to do something about it, whether that's seeing your Doctor, spending time with family or friends, praying or writing for cathartic purposes. Whatever helps, do it."

This is very helpful, thank you! Especially the part about accepting that there will be situations that are not hugely positive.

Unfortunately the friends I do have whom I can talk to about these things are not many. Like I said before though, I feel comfortable and hopeful about sharing this with people who share my Quran only beliefs, and I am happy that this site exists and I can talk to people who are similar to me in this regard.

[es]

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, I am back on my medication and have accepted that I need it to function properly.

To be honest I prefer to receive advice and help from people who share my Qu'ran only faith. However I cannot discount useful advice my doctor has given me, like exercise etc.

"learn what your trigger points are. Accept that you will have periods which are not hugely positive and are dominated by depression, but try not to let yourself get to that stage where you are feeling suicidal. Learn to be able to identify when you are about to go through a bad phase and try to do something about it, whether that's seeing your Doctor, spending time with family or friends, praying or writing for cathartic purposes. Whatever helps, do it."

This is very helpful, thank you! Especially the part about accepting that there will be situations that are not hugely positive.

Unfortunately the friends I do have whom I can talk to about these things are not many. Like I said before though, I feel comfortable and hopeful about sharing this with people who share my Quran only beliefs, and I am happy that this site exists and I can talk to people who are similar to me in this regard.

Salaam,

I am pleased to know that you are taking your medication. Do keep in mind any issues about mixing it with alcohol.

I am glad that some of it was useful. I'm not an expert by any means, but do make sure that you look after yourself. Basic things, which I forgot to mention in my previous thread, such as healthy eating, exercise and a decent amount of sleep-during the night, not during the day (!)- are also very important factors for a healthy, balanced life.

Also, it is nice that you feel comfortable here, but do bear in mind that there will be certain advice that your Doctor or acquaintances might be better placed to give you. Simply because they are more aware of the situation and the factors involved than what can be communicated via this medium.

Take care, brother.

Salaam.

Sajda.

[AK85]

Salaam

yes of course, certain things/information only friends who know me offline and my doctor would know about and I would consult with them as a result. However I'll try to provide as much info as possible when I need to get opinions and support from others!

thank you once again for your help!

peace.

[es]

It's okay. You're welcome.

Take care of yourself.   

Salaam.

[huruf]

Yes, AK I have heard repeatedly about how people who have ilnesses which are not immediately mortal tend to neglect medication, because they happen to stop and nothing happens suddenly to them, but the fact is that when the elements of the remedies run out of the blood they suffer crises which can be horrible. I have seen how, for instance, diabetics, who cannot miss on their medication or eat wrong without paying right out for their misses, live healthily and long, by the verysimple fact that they are forced to be absolutely disciplined with their nourishment and medication. It is the same with other illnesses, and particularly depression. You pay for your neglect, there is no saying it won't be so bad. Nobody likes to be medicated all of his life, but sometimes that is what there is, take or leave it. As I say there is nothing wrong with it. Diabetics have that all their life.

So be disciplined with that and if you trust your doctor deal with him or her and have good communication with him or her. -and if you do not have a doctor you trust, try to get one.

And of course, everything es has told you is very sound advice.

Regrding that hadith you mention it is also very good advice. I am not dogmatic about hadith. If it is good and helpful, it is good and helpful, who cares whether it is "authentic" or not. It is its content that helps no whether it was spoken by this or that person or whether it is invented. Invented things can be tue and good. So just help yourself. It is exactly like the Qur'an if we believed that it is from God but you didn't find anything useful in it what would be the reaosn to keep to it? It is because of its content. That is the criteria. Everything that you deep down and sincerily find good, it is good and you do not have to ask for any identity card.

Best of luck and, like the Qur'an says, spirits is the devil, do nto play with it. Some people may drink a little and be able to keep it to a little, ffor however long. Now, you know perfectly that you are not one of those. So do not even get near it. So it is with us all. There things that do not affects us much, and there are others which are outright dangerous for us. The best defense es never even entertaining the idea of the possibility of getting near them.

Salaam

[Earthdom]

Peace AK47 and all.

I will no comment with your post, but I sympathize with you.Sajda and huruf's posts is good, you mat take their advices.
But I suggest you just keep pray to Allah, then try open the Quran translataion by order or randomly.I'm also did like this, if I have problem then I open my Quran randomly then suddenly I found the verses which answering my problems, I know if Allah always blessing me.Recently I listen and read two pastor's stories who convert to Islam after opening Quran randomly then found the verses which answer their confusion.

Salaam