Author Topic: i need help and don't know really what to do..  (Read 4550 times)

Al-Sabr

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i need help and don't know really what to do..
« on: February 21, 2013, 04:29:48 AM »
peace be with you!

to make it short: i have to make a decision which would change my life, and i don't know what the consequences of my action will be..

the story is:
me and a girl, i am arab and she is bengali, are in love together, our relationship if you just look at us is amazing: we respect us, love us, would do anything for each other..some friends told us that we would be like an old married couple :D

now the problem is our parents..they are just against us and don't want us to be together, they want us to break up contact now..
they're arguments aren't correct..they argue not just with reputation in front of our families, but insult us as well and put pressure on us..

we even tried to end our relationship, as we saw that our parents are suffering with our decision..but it nearly killed us -.-

now we're together again, but don't know how we could end this conflict at all..our parents don't know about it now..
all we want to be is to live free and happy, we don't want to hurt anyone, but we don't see a solution which is acceptable by everyone..

we thought about moving out to friends for a couple of time, to show our parents that they cannot decide for our lives..if we don't do anything and just accept the will of our parents, both of us will live a life which we don't want to live..

i talked so much to them and i never shouted at them, they won't understand me because it is a shame for an arab man to be in a relationship with a bengali woman..they even started to argue with islam, where i thought that they should just shut up, everything what is important for them is the reputation, nothing else..islam doesn't know that system, but it teaches RIGHT and WRONG.-.-

to our situation: we live in germany(europe), are 22 and 20 years old, study at an university..it wouldn't be a big financial problem for me to move out, but i cannot estimate the consequences and what our parents would do then..

hope i'll get some good advices here..because i really don't know what would be the best thing to do..

peace!

PixelAngelBaby

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Re: i need help and don't know really what to do..
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2013, 05:34:24 AM »
As i understand, in the Quran you do not require permission from parents to marry or be with whom you want. Im half egyptian, i dont think its bad to marry a bengali. Where did that come from? Weird.

And you live in germany! Arab culture does not apply there!

I advise you to ask Allah what to do, but personally i think you should stay together and that ur parents will have to come around at some point eventually.

At the same time dont relationships with your family.
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salgan

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Re: i need help and don't know really what to do..
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2013, 08:24:56 AM »
Peace Al Sabr
 Grow some balls be the man and take the lead ,if you truly love her then you would happily have her at your side as an equal partner in life and stand up to all the oppression you both are suffering.But may be she is not worth all the hassle she is causing you then move  on,stop wasting her time and giving her a bad name in the Bengali community yes we live in a world were the woman gets stigmatised  not the man  he is seen as sawing his wild oats.

Peace Salim
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huruf

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Re: i need help and don't know really what to do..
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2013, 09:35:54 AM »
You are legally of age to marry as you wish. Do it, live legally and without aprehensions and forget about your parents as far as your marriage is concerned. Once it is done, they will have to accept it. And if they try to break it up, don't let them. If you do then it is not love you deserve but brute force as your parents are trying to impose on you.

Be kind and grateful to your parents, but they are not God not your owners.

Salaam

Al-Sabr

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Re: i need help and don't know really what to do..
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2013, 09:54:00 AM »
you're all right, but i fear the consequences..i don't know what will happen then.
if i move out, i'll loose my family, but win freedom and my love and can live happily.
if i stay, i'll keep my family, but have to live according to their wishes, so i have to give up not just my love, but freedom as well..

for myself, it's better to move out i think..i just fear that maybe my parents get sick by my action or will go insane..and i don't know how my siblings will look at me, as even they wouldn't understand my action..

it's not that i hate my parents..i love them and respect them for everything they did for me, but i did very much for them as well..there's just nothing in humanity that justifys their action..and it will repeat again and again -.-

i think i'll move out tomorrow without telling anyone, they'll notice it..with some clothes and stuff of me for a couple of days to a good friend..then i'll tell them the truth about me and her and give them time to decide wether they accept me as i am and her, otherwise i won't come back..

do you think it would be a good idea to make an islamic marriage contract? we didn't make one, and to break up a contract is more difficult..

salam

youssef4342

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Re: i need help and don't know really what to do..
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2013, 10:43:53 AM »
My advice would be:
Get married if that's what you want to do. You're parents seem kind of racist, if that's why they don't want you guys to get together. Try to be kind to your parents and cut the apron's cord and move on from them.
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Lena

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Re: i need help and don't know really what to do..
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2013, 11:25:17 AM »
you're all right, but i fear the consequences..i don't know what will happen then.
if i move out, i'll loose my family, but win freedom and my love and can live happily.
if i stay, i'll keep my family, but have to live according to their wishes, so i have to give up not just my love, but freedom as well..

for myself, it's better to move out i think..i just fear that maybe my parents get sick by my action or will go insane..and i don't know how my siblings will look at me, as even they wouldn't understand my action..

it's not that i hate my parents..i love them and respect them for everything they did for me, but i did very much for them as well..there's just nothing in humanity that justifys their action..and it will repeat again and again -.-

i think i'll move out tomorrow without telling anyone, they'll notice it..with some clothes and stuff of me for a couple of days to a good friend..then i'll tell them the truth about me and her and give them time to decide wether they accept me as i am and her, otherwise i won't come back..

do you think it would be a good idea to make an islamic marriage contract? we didn't make one, and to break up a contract is more difficult..

salam


Salaam  Al Sabr    Is it possible for you to move out from your parents place and live independently for several years before getting married? You could share a flat with other young men or rent a room by yourself. This would give you time to grow as your own person away from your parents influence and give your parents time to adjust to the situation. There will be less pressure on your eventual marriage and you will all have a better chance to use reason rather than emotion as a basis for your future.  In the heat of love, it is not always easy to see the challenges that may lie ahead in overcoming cultural differences, and dealing with the opposition or estrangement from parents.  Also time can help diffuse a lot of the emotion.  If you truly love each other and it is God's will that you be partners in marriage then a period of waiting can be a positive time to work through the issues and save for a future together.  You are both still very young, so what is the rush to be married!!   No need to worry about your parents going insane! They are responsible for their own feelings not you!  Maybe they will get sick (from their anger at not being able to control you any more!!) They have a choice of how they react. I used to think the same about my parents regarding some of the major life decisions I have made - they would kill themselves, kill me go crazy etc etc.  In reality, parents are tough cookies! Parents who use emotional blackmail to force their children to conform to what they want for them, are psychologically manipulating their children and this is not a constructive relationship for you or our parents. You are old enough to make your own decisions and to live your own life, while at the same time listening to your parents wishes.  But ultimately it is up to you to either accept or reject their reasoning and to live with the consequences.If you do decide to get married, I would definitely support you having a marriage contract.

huruf

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Re: i need help and don't know really what to do..
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2013, 01:37:35 PM »
Yes, better a marriage contract and make sure you are well aware of what you undertake. Expectations can create differences of opinion that then surprise the other. Better talk everything through and make firm commitments than one is willing and able to fulfill.

Salaam

Al-Sabr

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Re: i need help and don't know really what to do..
« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2013, 04:24:28 PM »
Peace!

first of all, thanks for your advices :) the situation changed a bit at home after i told my parents that i'll move out when it's going on like it did..

they started to talk kindly with me, tried to understand my point of view, but made clear that they won't like it if i would marry my bengali girl..since then, they did not talk with me about it again..
they still expect that i break up with her, but they don't do anything...actually, the situation is a bit confusing to me, because i don't know how the next discussion will look like.

i am looking forward to make the marriage contract with her, we love each other and are happy just sitting side by side :) hope that the difficult part is over now..

or what do you think about the situation?

best regards!

PixelAngelBaby

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Re: i need help and don't know really what to do..
« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2013, 09:11:54 PM »
Peace!

first of all, thanks for your advices :) the situation changed a bit at home after i told my parents that i'll move out when it's going on like it did..

they started to talk kindly with me, tried to understand my point of view, but made clear that they won't like it if i would marry my bengali girl..since then, they did not talk with me about it again..
they still expect that i break up with her, but they don't do anything...actually, the situation is a bit confusing to me, because i don't know how the next discussion will look like.

i am looking forward to make the marriage contract with her, we love each other and are happy just sitting side by side :) hope that the difficult part is over now..

or what do you think about the situation?

best regards!

Mabrook!  I'm glad things are progressing :).  Insha Allah they will come around and love her as you do.  Best of luck. And wishes :).
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