I've been wanting to write this thread for a while, but I just didn't know if I can find the words to express how I feel. I'm 32 years old. I was born in a Muslim country to a Muslim family. Until I was about 19, I followed Islam blindly. Then after 19, I started to doubt. I bought the bible and read it. I began surfing the net, logging into religious forums, exchanging ideas with people. Although the doubt continued to nag me, I still practiced Islam.
When I was 25, I moved to Australia. The experience was quite an eye opener. When you see a country that is so diverse, that has so many cultures and religions, it really changes you. it makes you think about the idea of a "one true religion" again. Is it possible that all these people are wrong and going to hell, and that only the people who practice one faith (whether Islam or Christianity or whatever) will go to paradise? Did God create us here just to worship him, and if we don't then he will throw us in hell? Isn't that a bit harsh?
Although my faith weakened during these years, I never really considered leaving Islam. What I did was try to fit my beliefs and morals with that of Islam. This was of course hard, since many of my values contradicted the teachings of Islam.
But still I continued to practice. When I returned to Egypt, I began working in an office which had 90% atheists. I didn't really care. I continued praying and fasting and doing my religious duties. But the doubts grew bigger and bigger. Then one day, a few months ago, I felt that I was lying to myself. I simply did not believe in Islam. I was just doing the rituals because I was just to doing them I thought I need to face myself. I need to admit the truth. I am no longer a Muslim.
At this point, I consider myself an atheist/agnostic. I have still not made a decision on whether there is a God or not. I hope there is. I like the idea of a God who protects me and has my back.
Ever since I left Islam, I felt lighter, happier. I felt that I no longer had to practice something which I not only disliked, but actually abhorred.
However, the doubts come to me as an atheist, just as they used to come to me when I was a Muslim. What if I am wrong? What if Islam is indeed the truth? What if I go to hell for all eternity because of my decision?
The thing is I WANT to believe in Islam. I really do. It would make my life easier, especially in a conformist society like the one I live in. But I just don't. I guess faith is a bit like your appetite. You have to wait to be hungry. You cannot force yourself to be hungry. And I am just NOT hungry.
So I don't know what to do. This journey began when I was 19, so I've been living in confusion for 13 years. That's a long time. I want to find the truth and find peace. What should i do?
