Salaam and Hello I am happy to join this forum. I would like to tell you my story. I was raised for the most part in a dysfunctional and abusive family environment, attended a Presbyterian Church as a child (which my mother only occassionally attended and my father never attended). As a result of the physical and sexual abuse at home, I did not believe in God (how could "God" allow such suffering to occur to innocent children when God had the power to stop it). I was very cynical about religion - the bible was telling me to love my parents - it was a farce - love my parents as they cause me the most hideous pain - sure!!). At 14 years old I began running away from home ending up on the streets and periodically being returned home by the police. Now and then I used God's name as a bargaining chip ( eg I will stop this behaviour if you help me to avoid being caught, but I was a very angry young woman and ireally I wanted nothing to do with God.
At 17 years old (as is typical for many young woman in this situation) I became pregnant and by 19 years old, I had 2 children, and was living with a violent, abusive partner. Despite the beatings and fear, I returned to school and eventually went on to university gaining a degree in Education. I was in my mid 20's before I told a single person about the abuse I suffered as a child. I began to seek help for myself, and received some counselling but it took 15 years to escape the abusive relationship I was in. Finally, when I turned 40 years old, I left my country to work overseas and travel the world. I had a great career and lived and worked in many countries, but a part of my life continued with addictive and self destructive behaviours, until finally in my early 50's I had enough. I just wanted a deep peace to replace the spiritual pain I was in. I fell to my knees and began imploring God to help me. At the time, I was living in Japan, and not long after this I was invited to attend a local Christian church. However, I almost never heard God's name mentioned. Praying was to Jesus, and a deep instinct within me wanted to worship God Alone, so I stopped going. I briefly looked into Buddism, Shinto, Hinduism and New Age Goddess worship. Then I met a young Bahai man and for several years I studied the Bahai faith. I told myself if Bahais prayed to God Alone then this would be the religion for me but I found their worship was for Bahallulah. I was becoming desperate but kept praying and asking God to guide me to a religion that worshipped God Alone. Not long after, in 2003, I discovered
Submission.org website. I was very excited and thanked God for answering my prayers. After several honeymoon years, I began to recognise the idolisation of Rashid Khalifa that was happening amongst many Submitters. Splits had and were occurring in the group and I didn't agree with many of the interpretations of Quranic verses. I became despondent, letting go of the rope of God for several years and slipping back into my old behaviours, until again I reached crisis point. I knew I could not go on living without God in my life, so I returned to Submission but with many unresolved issues ringing in my head. I moved back to the Middle East and continued to do research on Islam. A year ago I came across Freeminds.org Praise God, finally I have found a place where ideas about Islam and the interpretation of Quranic verses can be discussed and debated without the fear of being ostracized from a group or being judged as unworthy of salvation. Praise God for the bravery of Edip Yuksel, Rashid Khalifa and all those who refuse to accept any less than the complete freedom of our human minds in connecting to our Creator. The fight for freedom has been my journey. Freedom from abuse, freedom from addiction, freedom from indoctrination, freedom to think!
