Hi all, new to this forum, but have been stalking the threads for a while now.
I grew up, like many of us, in a Sunni family. Born in Pakistan, we arrived in England when I was just a toddler and had the experience of trying to mesh two, seemingly opposing, cultures together to try and find some sort of medium that we could live comfortably in.
Growing up, if you had asked me what Islam meant to me, I would have answered quickly and proudly: Islam is five namaz's (sp?) a day. And fasting during Ramadan.
That's all the faith was to me growing up. A series of practices and traditions, looped together to form a religion. Growing up though, through my teens and now about to turn twenty, I felt a niggle in the back of my brain.
This niggle was a need for spiritual release. Without going all hippy on you guys, I basically felt little/no connection with Allah through salah anymore. I would rush it as fast as I could, words tumbling out of my mouth in barely understandable mutters. Stand, hands on knees, prostrate. Stand. Rinse and repeat.
It was depressing. I became - forgive the melodrama - but somewhat self-loathing. After every rushed prayer, after every rehearsed du'a, that lasted a meagre seconds, I hated myself a little bit more every time.
At 19 I became increasingly interested in Sufi music and I grew jealous of their spirituality, their connection with the divine that I lacked. The poetry, the qawali. Just beautiful. I needed more.
Then I came upon this forum. I read through for hours, page after page, thread after thread until my eyes were bleary and I could not stand to read another page-long post. But everything clicked. Everything made sense. Literally everything. Prayer, fasting, charity, peace, love, war, marriage, divorce. It all came together. This was the religion of common sense, of peace, of love, of spirituality, of fear of God, of forward-thinking that I longed.
And here it was, locked away in the confines of this little forum, championed by a handful of people like yourselves.
But I became scared. I became a coward. For about a year, I held on to dogma and tradition like ivy. These things became my safety net. I was scared of letting them go. What if something terrible happened? What if I was wrong and this whole thing was a lie?
Well my friends, I'm still battling with that. I know it will be a long and difficult road, but it will be worth it in the end inshaAllah. But the main reason for writing this long and verbose thread (forgive me, I'm a literature student and it's 5am) is to say a big thank you.
You guys have quite honestly shaken me awake from a dream. These forums are all wonderfully open-minded and argued with multiple sources and Quranic verses that have all made my transition far easier than it would have been otherwise. So thanks. God bless us all inshaAllah.
Apologies again for the length and sorry if it's boring - I needed to get it out!
Cheers guys.
