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Why do they want me to divorce my wife?

Started by darcus, April 07, 2008, 01:53:43 PM

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belH

بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

وَٱلۡعَصۡرِ (١) إِنَّ ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنَ لَفِى خُسۡرٍ (٢) إِلَّا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَعَمِلُواْ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ وَتَوَاصَوۡاْ بِٱلۡحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوۡاْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ (٣)
By (the Token of) time (through the Ages), (1) Verily Man is in loss, (2) Except such as have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy. (3)

Any one who choose to teach and defend the truth?our God?s words, according to the last Sora (and many other verses) has to have patience. He has to understand that it is not an easy bath, but the reward is great. I have no doubt that God will complete his light, and I have no doubt that God will give victory to those who defend his book.
May God be with you. :sun:

savage_carrot

Salam darcus,

Thanks for clarifying. "not being pushed around" might be what's needed, I feel for your son though, not sure I could stand back and let them interfere with my kids if I was in your situation. You've been quite patient. I wish you and your family all the best :).
God has a plan, Gaius. He has a plan for everything and everyone.

zenje

Peace darcus,

I read your original post and skimmed through the others. My first thought was what sc wrote... this is between you. your wife and your son. Just knowing where you (both) stand is not enough, IMHO. A line has to be drawn, where others cannot interfere, including religion. The decisions you come to should be between the two of you with your son in mind. But once you let others sway you, and further decide you fate, then I believe you will only end up in regret.

Ask the God for guidance and help, and do what you (both) know to be best for you.

I wish you all the best for you and your family.

:peace:
If they turn away, then Say: "God is enough for me, there is no god but He, in Him I put my trust and He is the Lord of the great throne." [9:129]

darcus

Peace

savage_carrot: Its been the hardest thing in the world allowing my in laws to dress him up like them and the poor thing singing 'noor wala aya hai' with no mention of teaching him any of the Glorious Names of God.  The problem I have is ensuring that my wife is not swayed by their beliefs.  Which she is.  She never used to pray 5 times a day and only recently she has started.  Which is fine.  It is difficult not to offend her family.  I do not intend to offend, but it seems my very existence offends them.  The meeting is later tonight.  I just pray that I keep calm and they allow me to have my say.  If they bring some twat in a beard who thinks I am possessed by a djinn and that it needs to be exorcised, I feel like I will have to resort to other means to shut them up.

Zenje: I agree with you that the decisions we make should be between me, my wife and my son.  However, life is never that simple is it.  I have a large extended family who mean the world to me.  She also has a large extended family who mean the world to her.  It would be so good to just cut off contact with her family as then we could be happy.  I will never blindly allow anyone to sway me, this is the thing that gets them, I always ask for evidence when they talk their nonsense and expect me to agree.  I cannot agree to a fallacy.  I cannot agree to the blatant shirk they commit daily.  I am not pure myself, but at least I try to be aware of myself and try to reprogramme my behaviour so that it runs in line with that required in the Quran laws and common sense.
May God grant us with knowledge and the wisdom to wield it.
May He guide us to the straight path

OPF

You have to keep in mind that they also feel religiously convicted to split you apart. I don't know how your marriage was conducted but in the traditional circles I know they appoint an arbiter/"wali" from each side to decide, just like the more traditional Sunni idealogy who has every right to split you apart should anything go wrong. I mean, there isn't any difference in their eyes between say, physical abuse or some other genuine form of abuse and a religious difference.

To be honest you should have been well aware of what would happen. Maybe a little al-taqiyya would go well, after all you're very much under duress. Good luck and god's blessings in whatever you do. Remember that time is not restricted in the least, maybe you should hold back for a while, put the proverbial cake in the refrigerator for later.

darcus

Peace

OPF: I understand that they have this religious conviction to split us.  Its a shame really.  Its the life of my wife, son and I.  Nobody else should factor into our decisions unless we request it.

The fabled meeting didnt take place.  I got home from work early, my father was here, yet my father in law wasnt coming because his son was too busy 'working', and wanted him present.  He even said that there was no point in talking because if my father accepted me for who I was then he wasnt going to say anything.

Every saturday I go and visit my in-laws with my wife as a family.  I think I will have to raise my objections to them butting into my relationship with my wife. The line must be drawn somewhere. What I don't get is their real motivation.  I understand what you said OPF, its just that they are the worst kind of people.  My father even apologised to me saying that they shouldn't have got my wife from that family.  At the end of the day, I have a half-decent relationship with my wife and an adorable little boy who means the world to me.

Anyway, must sleep now.  I've got a poorly rabbit to take care of in the morning.

d
May God grant us with knowledge and the wisdom to wield it.
May He guide us to the straight path

TAJ

Peace D,

Did your wife have any idea of what she was buying into when she accepted to marry you, or did you introduce her to your set of beliefs later on after the marriage?

darcus

Peace

Tay:  I had an arranged marriage in the Pakistani sense, so I didn't know her before getting married.  I slowly introduced her to my beliefs later on in the relationship because she started asking questions, so I answered.  Her family thought for a very long time I was Salafi/Wahabi, whom Barelwi's really hate.  But because I didn't wear the short trousers, it was all ok.

They've backed off now.  I will still be going round their house on Saturday on my normal visit and I am sure they will bring it up, at which time I will bring forth a copy of the Quran and we can talk.  Will need to invite my father round at the same time to ensure an arbiter is there.  I will adhere to the correct code of conduct for debate, they will not.
May God grant us with knowledge and the wisdom to wield it.
May He guide us to the straight path

zenje

Peace darcus,
QuoteI will never blindly allow anyone to sway me, this is the thing that gets them, I always ask for evidence when they talk their nonsense and expect me to agree.  I cannot agree to a fallacy.  I cannot agree to the blatant shirk they commit daily.
Is your wife the same way?

:peace:
If they turn away, then Say: "God is enough for me, there is no god but He, in Him I put my trust and He is the Lord of the great throne." [9:129]

darcus

Peace

Zenje:  This is the crux of the matter, she does not believe as I do.  I have been very gentle in explaining to her, but she has never really shown an interest.  She knows very little about her own core beliefs, just that she should do them because her brother told her to.  It is a shame.  Something my wife said to me a few days ago - 'Why are you so rebellious?' I explained to her that I have to rebel against something I do not agree with.

Most of my life I have not felt at satisfied with what I believed.  At one point I felt that there was no point to any of this, so why believe in the Almighty?  Thank the Lord to guiding me back to the path.  Everything happens for a reason, I do not believe in coincidence.  This situation with my wife's family is I am sure, trying to tell me something about myself.  Its all about growing. To be fair, I probably haven't remembered God as much for some time.  I have gone back to studying, looking for the answers, asking Him. So something good is coming of this.  I am sure that He is just gently bringing me back to what I should be doing.

My wife recently has been going to more of these weekly meetings that the local dawat-e-islami mosque holds for women.  She has learnt many naats and even started doing namaz five times a day.  Which is great for her as it makes her feel good.  Just wish she would actually HEAR what I am saying, rather than just listen to it when she asks me questions.  She even said that I am like Dr Zakir Naik, able to quote verses and give references for my point of view.  I have advised her that it would be good for her to read the Quran with the meaning, rather than the arabic method she knows.  Counting how many ayats she has read as if that is an achievement. I so pray that she gets guided before it is too late.

My father-in-law and brother-in-law don't seem to want to meet up.  The situation is that they have lit the blue touch-paper and just walked away.  I feel that I must act.  However, I fear a trap that they are laying.  If I have God on my side and the Quran in my heart, I don't see how I could fail in defending my beliefs.  I feel like just telling them to let us be.  It isn't really any business of any one else's what I believe, so long as my wife wants to be with me.

My rabbit isn't any better today.  Must take her to the vet tomorrow if I can get time off work.  She's only 3 months old, one of a litter of 5.  Will write again when I can.  I feel like i'm having an OOBE whilst writing this - kinda freaky.

d
May God grant us with knowledge and the wisdom to wield it.
May He guide us to the straight path