Peace,
I would be happy to share my background though I apologise if I waffle, I tend to go off on one sometimes
I was born in Pakistan and moved to UK when my mother re-married, my parents (sunni and my step-father shia) although describing themselves as Musims have never been strictly 'islamic', but more traditional in their approach towards their conduct and as such I never grew up with the strict sunni/shia leanings that other people around me have had. I guess you could say I was an enquiring mind from a young age, and being a young girl growing up in a western country something about my religion always sat uneasy with me - namely the role that women play within traditional islam, but also how that to be Allah's unquestioning servant was the best way to be - do not question, but accept your role in this world, free thought and finding one's one way seemingly positioned as the road leading to hell!
I think mostly I ignored this uneasy feeling and found myself leaning towards a more secular lifestyle, going out with friends, dressing up, thinking about boy's and relationships my main mode's of behaviour!! But something always tugged, and as I challenged mine and my parent's boundaries ( though I was not extremely rebellious) the truth about our purpose on earth, something I instinctively knew led back to God, led me to extend my arms out to more esoteric aspects of my religion - sufiism but also flirting with and tentatively extending out to other religions, buddhism and taoism.
Although this increased my understanding of the world around me I found this ultimately unhelpful because instead of helping me to bridge the gap between my daily lived existence in a modern world, and all it's trappings (which really did make me feel trapped!!) it only invoked, what only can be described, as a mini nervous breakdown!!This was in my second year of university and at the time I remember feeling like this whole world was unreal, feeling distanced from my actions and saying things in exasperation like I want to get to the end to see my Maker! As we all know, who but only the hypocrites and mis-guided wish to hurry on the Day of Judgement? The lofty peaks that sufi's try to reach through their lifting of the veil practices, and the buddhist treatises on this world being 'maya', I think fundamentally messed with my head at a tentative time in my life!
Fast forward two years, and from these years I had managed to preserve only the belief that God was inside me, and in all of us, and that His Presence was to be felt all around. I prayed occasionally, but thinking about God and feeling His guidance, at the best and worst of times, never stopped. I think this unconscious connection (salat) to God 'paid off' - initially arriving here through the 19 and submitters websites, I was astounded and humbled to find that my uneasiness with traditional islam was not misguided and certainly not felt alone. That the truth was out there! But funny how coming to an obscure (at the time, and maybe still is) website led to the simple truth that all one has to do is read The Book with open and new eyes and heart and its beauty is revealed.
As to my 'lurking' for two years? Although I felt this to be the truth, it took a long time to align my outer to my inner - namely trusting my inner reality as opposed to the external world I found myself in which was almost in contradiction to what I found to be true. I have worked on the inner for the last two years, turning to these pages and verifying in the Quran for myself. I keep 'The Message' in my bag always, those 20 minutes into and from work reading from God's truth are my anchor. I will open a page and often be moved to tears in a tube full of strangers (im such a woman
) as to how much the words speak to my heart. It is truly a wonderful gift to humanity from God and I pray for the souls who are led astray by it.
I am no longer afraid of speaking about what I know to be true, no longer standing up for and living out my principles, and certainly no longer doubting - I bought a copy of the brainbow version of Quran for my family, a big step, because my family has always considered me to be a black sheep in my views (I blame my 'punk years' for that
) . My mother and father were truly amazed and no doubt scared as to the true simplicity within it, a simplicity marred and twisted by past scholars and present 'islamists'. My father even remarked that these new translations must be the 'work of the americans' as if to mislead 'us muslims'!!But I trust that God will guide to the truth
My only wish now, in finally speaking on this forum, and in my daily actions, is to strive with the believers, to find peace in this world and in the next. As my outer starts to align itself to my inner, I am looking to use my life to serve The One according to the principles outlined in the book and encoded in our selves. How I do that is another story
for I believe we each also have a unique contribution to make in this world.
May God guide us all. Peace!
Lali
