Marriage and the MIL

[Indelwyn]

Salam guys,

I need some help or advise.. something. I love my husband so much and we have a great relationship. However, my M-I-L came to visit us in July and is leaving in 19 DAYS!. It is now at the point where I can't stand her. I have resentment and I honestly am completely happy if I NEVER have to go to egypt and meet his family.. EVER.

I just don't understand their culture or if it is her. She is like a sour patch kid, sweet and then SOUR. I feel at a loss, I feel bad.

She sees I work full time. She is kind and sweet, helps with laundry and cleaning, dinner and even helping with the baby (now 10months old). But then at the same time, she goes through ALL my things, taking what she likes and then asking me, can I have this? When I say no, I am perceived as the bitch daughter in law. She went through my jewelery looking for gold. SHe took a locket my mother gave me, I had to have it back it has very special meaning to me. SO I went and gathered some earring, necklaces and rings I don't wear much and gave them to her. The next day she gives them to my husband and says.. These are not real.  I was like OMG! I bought her earrings (gold) for Eid, I spent more on her than I do my own mother, well they were not BIG enough, it was a freaking nightmare. Now she wants me to buy her more. His sister found out she is having a boy, well his mother went through all my baby's stuff, taking what she liked. I was so pissed! I was saving that, since we want another child! I am hoping she opens the sexy night gown drawer and all the other "goodies" in there and then maybe then she will stop snopping! After 5 months, I can't take it! My husband says this is egyptian style. His sister is hounding me for a baby walker and other baby stuff, to send to egypt. His mother has hoarded so much, no way can she take this back with her.

She wants money all the time, (her husband died) she has my husband sending 300- 400 over there every month. I hate this and it angers me. I am working full time and I want to go part-time, but I can't because 300.00 is alot and let me tell you they get it no matter what!!!! He has an older brother and when I asked what does he give her, he says he is supporting his wife and 4 kids so he can't. What is the difference??? I have 3 kids and us?? Just because she chooses not to work, well I don't want to work full time!  When my car got vandalized for 4k and I had to get a rental and dip into the savings, he still sent that money even though at that time we really needed it. If he does not have it he'll even borrow it from friends. She then tells me she has satelite TV in every room, so she can watch JOHN CENA on WWE!! So this money is not even for the basics which I could sympathize with.  It causes alot of issues in our marriage, I feel we can't rely on him, cause she is first. You can't get between the son and mother in egyptian culture I am told, she sees how we live, she does not care, the hand is always extended! I have 5 mouths to feed, we are strapped and it is because of them and it causes resentment. He is stuck in the middle. I can see his anger and annoyance but he will not face her about this.

Another is religion. I am not a good muslim to her. I recently took of the scarf. Well she had kittens. She is telling my husband I am disrespecting him, that I might be cheating on him.. WTH? She talks to him in Arabic right in front of me .. about me! I know enough to pick up words and an idea of what is said. I don't clean enough, or cook enough.. I work 40hrs +! Now that I follow Quran only..... lets not even go there! My husband is fine with my belief and not wearing the scarf, infact we have some great talks and he agrees with some of what I say. He is not a big follower of hadith or sunnah, she blames this on me, but he was like this BEFORE.

When I look in Quran I see his obligation to me and the children first. Am I wrong? Islamically or through advise in the quran what can I do? I went from loving her to not wanting to be around her or the others in his family. Mainly his sister and her. The eldest brother never really calls her and I don't even know his wife because she has never mentioned her nor has she bought anything for her.. or should I say WE have not bought anything. Anyone else with egyptian mother in laws? or familiar with the culture?

[KDC501]

Your mother-in-law is a maniac!!!!!  If anyone whether they be father-in-law or mother-in-law came into my house and just started grabbing things without asking I would call the police(as God is my witness!!!!)  It's stealing! I don't  care about who in the family may be pissed off! There are limits to generosity.  The Quran points out that we should give within our means and not outside of it!!!! You need to talk to your husband and tell him what's what. You are his wife. You're supposed to have an equal say in what you're allowed to give and what you can't afford to give. Stop being so soft on your mother-in-law and get angry with her and tell her what's what!!!! You are justified under God to withhold your hand from giving too much(beyond your means)! If you have too many expenses then withdraw your hand from giving too much.

What really bothers me about this whole thing is that your mother-in-law is receiving  beyond what is necessary. Why would a woman who is in dire need of money have satellite TV in every room!!!! What sort of nonsense is this!!!! It's insulting and shows lack of respect to the generosity extended by you and your husband. If I were you I wouldn't give her a dime till I find out for myself that every cent spent is on the necessities and not outside of it. Do not encourage slackness and laziness!!! Don't give her a cent till you talk to her and find out exactly what she needs the money for.  Also talk to your husband and tell him to stop babying his spoiled brat of a mother!!! Give within your means!

Peace,

Kevin.

[Indelwyn]

I give none of my money, infact starting last month we separated our account. He gives me the amount I told him I need to pay the bills and then what he does with the left over is on him. Granted he does not have enough to send more than 100.00 now. And somehow that is my fault. But I refuse to use my money to support such things, so I have taken steps. It is just crazy how she can turn it and make me look greedy. My husband feels this is his obligation to his mother and I can't get through to him. It does annoy me that his "extra" money goes to her and not our savings. I use all my money on our kids but lately since we have established separate accounts I have been saving for myself 400.00 a month so now I have a nice cushion over the last two months. I just feel bad and annoyed when I see him stressed and he asks me if I have extra money in my account he can borrow. I do have it,  but I lie and say nope sorry, I can't.

I am sure you can see how the resentment builds, just from this.

[KDC501]

You seriously need to have a discussion with your mother-in-law. That woman sounds like is greedy , lazy pig!  She is lame or has some sort of sickness that she can't get up from her lazy a** and work??!! Also who is this pig of a woman to call anyone greedy?!! It's insulting! I would not stand for it at all. You need to put some sense into your husband and stop him from giving beyond his means to support a lazy woman who likes satellite TV in every room of her house!!! I would never let anyone take advantage of me like that! If I wanted to support my parents I would give them money for the necessities alone and not to have luxuries like satellite television!!!


Peace,

Kevin.

[youssef4342]

Peace 
Please be Advised to not giving to much money.  Trust me, i learned it the Hard way.
Yeah You are not in need, so you give, give, and then oh give extra more,  thinking that you're nice and rightous, but then it hits you later on when you NEED that money! Yes I am a sad case of (17:29)
God tell us to spend the EXTRA THAT WE HAVE. God tells us that those who give extravagantly, are so called brothers of the devils. God does NOT like the wasters! (17:27)
Moreover. I totally understand where you're comming from, as a person who came from Egypt.
Please do not be saddned by what they say, let me tell you, I have been critisized by my own family, and let me tell you, time by time, i started not caring... say whatever you want! Forgive & Forget, that God may Forgive and pardon you 
Seek Help from God, and Be Patient, overlook, pardon, and oh do not give a dime!  Get it 
Pray Pray Pray, as Prayer is the best answer 

[mmkhan]

Salaam Sister,

I felt very sorry to hear that, I suggest to be patient and seek Allah's help, He is the all Knowledgeable and best Helper.

I personally believe that these problems are simply excuses to what has to be happened from Allah. Please read the following aayat very carefully, inshaAllah this may help you.

4:147 مَا یَفۡعَلُ اللّٰہُ بِعَذَابِکُمۡ اِنۡ شَکَرۡتُمۡ وَ اٰمَنۡتُمۡ ؕ وَ کَانَ اللّٰہُ شَاکِرًا عَلِیۡمًا
4:147    What would God want with your punishment if you were only thankful and believed? God is Thankful, Knowledgeable.

6:82 اَلَّذِیۡنَ اٰمَنُوۡا وَ لَمۡ یَلۡبِسُوۡۤا اِیۡمَانَہُمۡ بِظُلۡمٍ اُولٰٓئِکَ لَہُمُ الۡاَمۡنُ وَ ہُمۡ مُّہۡتَدُوۡنَ
6:82    Those who believe and do not confound their belief with wrongdoing; they will have security, and they are guided.


May Allah help you and make things easy for you and guide us all to His true path 
Mohammed M. Khan

[Student of Allah]

Salam,

I grew up watching this dilemma. The competition between the mother in law and the girl to prove their point to the husband. I can see that your husband may be undergoing bigger mental issues regarding this. You have already chosen your side, but he has to decide between your family and his mother. If anyone asks me to desert my mother who nourished me when I was weak, who stayed up all night to make sure I was ok, who made me stand when my bones were plastic, I would be pretty shocked. But on the other hand, I have to look at the reason I am being asked to chose between my mom and family.

You have raised an issue immensely complex. If I have brought kids into this world, how can I desert them ? on the other hand, how can I desert my mother ? I think, all my kids should be equally responsible for taking care of me when I am old. So probably the problem is rooted into the uneven distribution of responsibility towards parents among your husband and his siblings. However you deal with it, be patient, show mercy, show compassion. I know, its easy to state something off the book. Hence, I will pray to God to help you out.

May the God of the worlds help you out of your problems.

PEACE
-------------------- Student of Allah   

[rraza]

All these problems come part and parcel with marrying someone of a different background. So there is no "solution' to this except for keeping your distance with your in-laws. If you talk things over with your mother in law she would only get defensive. I am sure your husband sees the problems in his household regarding this, and it upsets him a lot because he cant fix it. It may be worthwhile to talk to your husband in a GENTLE manner. NOT demanding as it will only push him away. Men do not listen when a woman has angry undertones..they get defensive. So sandwich the problem you are having in between appreciation for him. something like, " I appreciate how wonderful a son you are and thats oneof the many things i love about you, but you need to realise that this is upsetting me and the kids...etc etc". make LOGICAL arguments like saving etc rather than emotional appeals.

Your husband mashallah seems like a very nice guy. Try to appreciate his devotion to his mum, no matter how absurd her actions are...because at the end of the day she is his mother and he would resent you for any harsh words being spoken about her. that is the last thing you want.

Im sure your husband knows who you are, so yu dont need to worry about his mum poisoning him. Hes a grown up man. He can decide who is right even though he may not be able to say it out loud.

With regards to her taking baby clothes etc as irritating as that may be, try to be patient. In communal cultures there is no such thing as "MINE" its all collective. That may be how she views it. Give it. God will provide more, like He always has before. if not maybe say to you MIL,' sure, you may take it if you really need it, but your son and I were hoping to keep it for our next baby.' (if your comfortable telling her that).

As holier than thou as this may sound  try to be accepting of your husbands nature to give to his mum. Our ego is the thing that makes us think we are more important than someone else.
 

When I look in Quran I see his obligation to me and the children first. Am I wrong?

I have yet to come across verses that support that conclusion. There are many verses which emphasise a persons marital relationship as well as with their parents.

Above all..understand you cannot make your husband "choose" . You should not. Try talking to him nicely about the situation without saying anything harsh about his mum and hopefully he would understand your side of the story.

Unfortunately thats a bad thing about marrying into closed cultures..its hard to to adjust...I pray for you and your family.

Salam.

[Indelwyn]

Thank you guys. My husband and I have talked this weekend. I fully understand he is in a difficult situation. But this weekend he saw what I saw. My mother fell on Sat breaking her femur bone in half (compound fracture) it came out by her knee cap. She had surgery on Sunday morning for 3 hours to repair it with a few plates. She is doing better. Thank God. However I wanted to visit her after surgery, when his mother heard this she threw a fit saying she had to pray at the Masjid (35-40 min away from our new house) I could not believe it. Out of all the days, infact we had her at the masjid Sat for Dhuhr prayer. I felt so upset. My husband was mad at her, he explained my mother had surgery and we could not, she knew this because she was in the car when we rushed to the hospital following the ambulance Sat night. She started crying and making a "bad" dua to Allah and stated all these horrible things. Anyway my husband and I ran to the store to just get out of the ho use and leave her with her anger and this was the right time to talk. I told him he was a great son and father as well as a wonderful husband, and it was a nice talk. He is so kind he tries to please everyone. I told him if it would ease his burden and for him and God I am willing to sacrifice my time with my mom for him to take her to the masjid. So he took her, so she would calm down. She might think she "won" but I don't care as long as my husband can have peace. I am distancing myself from her, but staying kind for my HUSBANDS insanity. She is enough of a burden after I saw that tantrum, I am here to support him not make it worse. We have a mutual understand with each other.

So thank you all for the tips and help. I just would never expect my kids to take care of me, nor would I let them unless shear dire need. The mind set is different I suppose, it is just how my family is and how I was raised. I don't take care of my mother, never would she let me because of my own family. I suppose that is why she still works full time at age 57, besides she loves her job.

Oh and yeah, we still got to visit my mom, they had extended hours on Sunday Allah provided a way. I was so happy when my dad called and told me we could come after 6.

[rraza]

That is great. Proud of the way you handled that sis!