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The Humour Thread :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
LoteTree:
A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:
* Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
* A day without sunshine is like, night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Remember, half the people you know are below average.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
* Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Humour is the sun that drives sadness from the human face...
natu:
Correct me if I'm not wrong but...
Nafisa:
The funny quotes are true extracts from courtrooms. In each case the questioner is the lawyer; the answer is from the witness in the box. These funny quotes are amusing diversions, and also examples of communications misunderstandings which can be used to illustrate the importance of good communicating, listening and understanding skills.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
--------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
--------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
---------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
-------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
--------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
-----------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
----------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
-----------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
-------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
--------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
-------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
---------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
---------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk, in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Nafisa:
> VERY PROUD TO BE BRITISH BECAUSE:
>
> Only in Britain.. can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
>
> Only in Britain.. do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
> the back of the store to get their prescriptions, whilst the healthy
> people can buy cigarettes at the front.
>
> Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and A
> DIET coke.
> Only in Britain.. do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
> the counters.
> Only in Britain.. do we leave thousands of pounds worth of car on the
> drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
>
> Only in Britain.. do we use answering machines to screen our calls and
> then have call waiting so that we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
> want to speak to in the first place.
>
> Only in Britain.. are there disabled car parking spaces in front of
> a
> skating rink.
>
> NOT TO MENTION.... 3 Brits die each year testing a 9-volt battery to see
> if it works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not
> removing all the pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by
> using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996
> through watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged
> in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that the Christmas
> decorations on the tree were chocolate.
>
>
> British hospitals reported :
> 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents. 101 Brits have
> had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet
> since 1999. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 by trying on a new jumper
> with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to
> A & E in the last 2 years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
> 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
> Scalextric cars.
>
>
> AND FINALLY... In 2000, 8 Brits cracked their skulls whilst throwing up in
> the toilet.
>
> RULE BRITANNIA
>
LoteTree:
Loved the Court Room quotes Nafisa and yes Rule Britannia!! :-)
Regards,
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