« on: November 07, 2011, 06:30:10 AM »
I ask God's forgiveness for my straying off His path.
I seek refuge with Him from writing falsehood.
I found belief in God before I found belief in His Qur'an.
Before I started studying the Qur'an, I was ignorant of many things. I was very arrogant. Judgment day, paradise and hellfire were abstract concepts that I half-believed, half-denied.
I found belief in the Qur'an bit by bit. It has been and perhaps remains an ongoing process. Lately I have come to believe in hellfire in a more whole-hearted way. This has, God willing; clarified things for me.
I was exposed to the code 19 concept shortly after first coming to believe in the Qur'an as God's book, and rapidly dismissed it as baseless numerical exercises without any authority.
Some time later, I came to know a group of fellow monotheists and believers. Many of them upheld some belief or other in 19 as a number of vast importance regarding the structure of the Qur'an, as argued by Khalifa and others. Initially my reaction was sadness, since their claims didn't make sense to me. I was very lonely and starved for the company of believers, so I held my tongue, and spent a lot of time in their company. I found that my heart wanted to believe in the code. I made the mistake of giving in to this feeling.
In order to believe in the code, I had to suppress my reason, actively suspending my disbelief. I did so. At my most furthest straying, Satan presented me with a visual mirage of what I wanted God's Qur'an to be (may He forgive me). I saw a fuzzy and indistict shape of a glowing diamond, or chrystal, of interlocking numerical patterns, where every single letter, sura and verse number adds upp to a perfect weave, where every single letter matters, where every position of every letter is undeniably part of the code, a code that would reveal many secrets far beyond the actual words of the Qur'an.
This was disbelief. Though I would never have admitted to it at the time, I rejected God's Qur'an and substituted it with a book of my own wishes. It was an expression of ingratitude.
I remained in a more or less murky mental space for months. After I prayed for it sincerely, God helped me re-establish some function in the reasoning part of my mind.
Reason required me to re-asses the claims of Khalifa and others, and I can't as of yet find evidence for a mathematical signature worthy of the Creator Himself. I base this assertion on how God makes clear His expertise in other areas, such as religion, literature, cosmology, physics, chemistry, biology and mathematics. Compared to what scientific inquiry has revealed about the the nature of the creation, and thus the Creator, the claims of a 19 based code in the Qur'an seems less convincing. Using 19 and its multiples as a selection criteria for arbitrary calculations applied to the Qur'an has thus far failed to reveal a convincing divine pattern in my opinion. Any honest evaluation of a pattern must include the background against which the pattern is discernible.
The God I worship doesn't require me to believe in a code. He requires me to take Him at His word.
With this in mind, I realized that God keeps reminding about hell in the Qur'an. I realized that it is good for me to be mindful of hell in order to maintain a balanced perspective on this worldly life and how I should live it. J-day is real. Paradise is real. Hell is real, for real.
I re-read surah 74. I see it in a new light, and it seems clear enough.
The fitna lies in their number. I can take this number and speculate wildly with it. Or I can take God's words literally, meaning there is a place of scorching fire guarded by angels who are the soldiers of God. My thinking is, if you are guarded by such beings, and their number is that great, there is no chance in hell that you are going to escape. If God condemns you to that place, you are in there for good, which means eternity. This is a tremendously powerful reminder, as in something to keep in mind. Remembering that God promises hell to those who displease him. Remembering what a terrible place this is. Such a reminder will help those mindful of it to stay on the straight path.
I find that even though thoughts of hell can be displeasing at first, that feeling vanishes as long as one remembers paradise, and God's mercy and forgiveness.
There is balance in all things, including how we remember the afterlife. Any balanced view must include being mindful of hell. God willing this insight will enable me to progress as a believer.
Naturally, this development has caused some social friction since I spoke up. We're doing alright, no hard feelings yet. May God give us patience and guide us to His truth. We submit to His authority alone, God willing. His will be done.
Peace and God bless.